The Talon

Rapper/R&B artist T-Pain has been tearing up the charts for years. A sometimes controversial figure, T-Pain has borne the brunt of Jay-Z’s ire, been chased offstage by police officers, and even wrecked his golf cart so badly it required emergency dental surgery. Yet The Talon has discovered what may be his most gossip-worthy item to date: birth records reveal that T-Pain is the love child of rock guitarist Slash and funk legend P-Funk.

A copy of the birth certificate was obtained by The Talon and listed the two music legends both as fathers. T-Pain grew up in Tallahassee, FL, a city that George Clinton is known to have frequented. Since Tallahassee is appropriately situated geographically in the armpit of the Florida panhandle, it is finally apparent why he was known to be in the area: he wanted to watch his illegitimate secret son grow into a musical genius.

The revelation also makes clear why Slash always hid his face with his hair and a top hat, constantly imbibing Jack Daniels. Seeing P-Funk clothed is like seeing a black sprinkler head filled with food coloring. One can only imagine the shame one would feel waking up next to him naked, let alone having a son with him.

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When contacted, both refused comment, but a source close to the men was willing to speak under terms of anonymity.

“It was a pretty crazy time back in the early 80s in the L.A. music scene. One night Funk walked into a show where Slash was playing. He was amazed at his playing and introduced himself. Of course Slash already knew who he was so we all went back to Slash’s place and partied all night. I passed out sometime in the middle of the night, but when I woke up, they were both wrapped in a sheet together. Nine months later, little Pain arrived.”

T-Pain was unable to be reached for comment, but was seen to have tweeted that he “finally knew who his dads were.”

Fan Demetrius Moore says that the news doesn’t lower his opinion of Pain. “Actually, I think it increases his street cred. His talent makes sense to me now. He is, in a sense, the prince of two musical kings.”

Suburban devotee Walter Paulski agrees. “I really have no idea what he is saying most of the time. I don’t speak robot, so it all just sounds like Ferris Bueller’s cough keyboard to me. But I always liked the beats. And you have to love a guy that had sex with a mermaid on a boat.”