A copy of the birth certificate was obtained by The Talon and listed the two music legends both as fathers. T-Pain grew up in Tallahassee, FL, a city that George Clinton is known to have frequented. Since Tallahassee is appropriately situated geographically in the armpit of the Florida panhandle, it is finally apparent why he was known to be in the area: he wanted to watch his illegitimate secret son grow into a musical genius.

The revelation also makes clear why Slash always hid his face with his hair and a top hat, constantly imbibing Jack Daniels. Seeing P-Funk clothed is like seeing a black sprinkler head filled with food coloring. One can only imagine the shame one would feel waking up next to him naked, let alone having a son with him.

When contacted, both refused comment, but a source close to the men was willing to speak under terms of anonymity.

“It was a pretty crazy time back in the early 80s in the L.A. music scene. One night Funk walked into a show where Slash was playing. He was amazed at his playing and introduced himself. Of course Slash already knew who he was so we all went back to Slash’s place and partied all night. I passed out sometime in the middle of the night, but when I woke up, they were both wrapped in a sheet together. Nine months later, little Pain arrived.”

T-Pain was unable to be reached for comment, but was seen to have tweeted that he “finally knew who his dads were.”

Fan Demetrius Moore says that the news doesn’t lower his opinion of Pain. “Actually, I think it increases his street cred. His talent makes sense to me now. He is, in a sense, the prince of two musical kings.”

Suburban devotee Walter Paulski agrees. “I really have no idea what he is saying most of the time. I don’t speak robot, so it all just sounds like Ferris Bueller’s cough keyboard to me. But I always liked the beats. And you have to love a guy that had sex with a mermaid on a boat.”

The story achieved viral status soon after it was posted on the Eagle News website. It was quickly reposted on hundreds of students’ Facebook pages. The social networking site took notice of the posts after it had been flagged by a server. Concerned at what this might mean for their traffic, the site issued a statement later that afternoon.

“It is unfortunate that Florida Gulf Coast University has decided to institute this policy. The conversion of a class period to one where students will be unconscious will severely restrict our traffic during those peak hours. Early estimates reveal that traffic may decrease by 7%, thus limiting possible pay-per-click ad revenues.”

Word soon reached Verizon, who issued a similar concerned statement.

“The elimination of this block of class time will significantly reduce our text messaging revenues in that geographic area. Thousands of texts are sent mid-lecture from cell phones hidden in laps, purses, and notebooks.”

When contacted, the Eagle News had to backpedal, explaining that the whole thing was a joke.

“We apologize for any misunderstanding that this has caused. We thought it was funny, but it was really kind of an office joke. We didn’t realize that anyone actually read the paper.”

Greek Finance Minister Giorgos Papaconstantinou has been seen in Las Vegas at several casinos wagering immense amounts of money in hopes of big winnings. Once, at the roulette table, he was reported to have said “Papa needs a brand new balanced budget” Greek officials also have been reported to hold thousands of tickets for powerball and state lotteries across the United States.

In what is perhaps its most bold move, the Greek government has decided to lease the Acropolis to Disney. The entryway to the complex will be barred by turnstiles and will likely be crammed full of large groups of tourists in matching shirts. Disney has also announced plans to replace part of the Parthenon’s  frieze with scenes from the Lion King and other popular films. Critics of the move have already begun organizing to protest the decision, dubbing it the “Stop The Acrapolis” campaign.

President Obama criticized the move in his weekly Radio address.

“To the government of Greece, I offer this advice: just keep spending. Call the Chinese and ask for a loan. Everyone knows the way to get out of a recession is to spend your way to prosperity. So increase entitlements, jack up public spending, and convince everyone that if you don’t give them healthcare that they are in a worse position than the victims of the Haiti earthquake.”

His advice was roundly criticized by his old nemesis from the presidential race, Sen. John McCain

“As usual, President Obama’s advice will only make the problem worse. Everyone knows that war is the best way to bring a country out of financial difficulties. It creates jobs and stimulates domestic defense spending. My guess is that Albania will never see it coming. Sweep through there and then convince the world you are bringing them democracy or something. The U.N. will believe anything.”

When asked what he thought, former President Bush was indifferent.

“I don’t know. It’s all Greek to me.”

1. Use The Bathroom at Work: In case you haven’t noticed, toilet paper is expensive. If your butt-wiping budget is wearing  thinner than the one-ply you bought at the dollar store, make sure you use the boss’s john. This can easily trim ten dollars from your monthly budget. If you aren’t the type to be able to use a bathroom in public, start eating oatmeal for breakfast. It’s inexpensive and sure to clean you out better than a bottle of Drano.
2. Steal Salt and Pepper Shakers: I learned this one from my great-grandmother. She had piles of napkins, jellies, condiments, and shakers from every fast food restaurant in existence. She saved enough money by doing this to send me two dollars every year for my birthday. It mortified us in restaurants, but terrifying your children because one of their friends may see you is the God-given right of every parent.
3. Hitchike: It may seem silly to hitchike across town, or to the grocery store, but it works better than you might think. Friends tend to think you are a burden if you call them everyday for a ride when your car is in the garage, and when they do give you a lift, they want gas money. Hitchiking solves both of those problems. You will probably never see the person again, and you never ask a hitchiker for gas money. Worried about bringing your groceries home? Don’t. People will be more likely to pick you up if you are struggling to carry bags.
4. Switch to Weekly Baths: Hot water can get expensive. Taking a shower everyday is sure to drive your electric/gas bill through the roof. Taking a shower once a week cuts your hot water energy consumption by 87%. If people complain that you smell, tell them that the upper classes of Europe bathed infrequently for centuries, and that they need to get over their cleanliness fetish. You may need to invest in a bottle of Preferred Stock or Brut, but the money you save in electricity will surely cover it.
5. Eat Out Often at Soup Kitchens: Dining out can be a budget killer, but so can dining in, if it’s on your own tab. Going to soup kitchens is a way to get a hot meal without having to pay a dime. You will get to meet lots of new people that you might never associate with, and you don’t have to worry about cooking anything yourself. And since they usually provide holiday meals, your family will never have do without on the most expensive eating day of the year. So head to a thrift store, pick out your bum couture, and make your rounds.
6. Fall in Love With Ramen all Over Again: Chances are, you haven’t eaten a ramen soup since you graduated college. But there’s no other food for which you can eat for three days on a dollar. It comes in more flavors than there are days of the week, and you can splurge occasionally for the type that comes in a styrofoam cup. And with two full days serving of sodium and saturated fat in every packet, you can be sure you are getting a nutritionally sound meal.
7. Invest in Milk Crate Furniture:  At first glance, this may seem too tacky for even the cheapest bastard, but don’t judge too quickly. It’s extremely versatile: paired with a 2×4 it becomes bookshelves or a media center, with a sheet of plywood it becomes a coffee table, and it can stand alone as a chair. If your friends criticize you, tell them you following the hot new Modern cubist minimalist fashion, and then give them a condescending look for not knowing. If that doesn’t work, lie to them and tell them you bought them from Ikea.

Your investments have tanked, your retirement has evaporated, and you’re a hundred thousand dollars upside down on a house you can’t afford. But that’s no reason to give up. Follow these seven simple steps and you’ll be on your way to recovery in no time. Think of it as your own little stimulus package.

“There millions of dogs and cats, ferrets and parrots, that do not have adequate health care,” President Obama said during his weekly radio address. “In a country like America, whose greatness comes from its unwavering commitment to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness for all of its members, the idea that any pet be without access to our health care system’s greatest resources is appalling. This is a step toward ensuring ‘justice for all.’”

The plan would enable Americans to purchase low-cost pet insurance for their animals. This would allow many low-income pet owners the ability to take their pets to the vet for much-needed vaccinations and care. It would be funded by a tax-increase among the wealthiest one percent of America’s taxpayers, thus allowing all members of society to benefit from the success of people whom they have never seen and likely resent for their wealth.

Television personality Bob Barker praises the measure and sees it as a realization of an issue he has supported for many years.

“I always ended my show with an admonition to my viewers to spay and neuter their pets,” he stated in a press release, “but many could never afford to do so. This gives them this chance, and will hopefully lead to the complete eradication of all pets in America, thus ensuring there is never another unwanted animal.”

The proposition that the government would extend itself further has galvanized members of the opposition. Republican shock-jock Rush Limbaugh was the first to chime in on the debate.

“The idea that we would give health care to hamsters is preposterous,” he opined on his daily radio program. “Again we would have to deal with the possibility of death panels which get to decide whether or not Fluffy gets to live or die. Government-funded pet healthcare is something only the fur-brained Obama could cook up.”

The administration remains firm in its resolve, despite the costs and opposition.

“Listen, if Fido needs a shot, he should be able to get it,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said in a news conference. This isn’t the time for bickering. It’s time to act. The American people voted for change, and this administration is committed to change for its own sake, no matter how ridiculous or costly it might be.”

As part of a peer-led eating disorder prevention program called Reflections, the Tri Deltas sponsored the “Fat Talk Free Week” event on campus. The event was meant to raise awareness about the negative effects calling yourself fat can lead to, namely self-deprecation which may lead to more fatness. Tables were placed in the breezeway and pledges were taken from students who promised not to call themselves fat anymore.

Their hope is that they will help to change the conversation habits of women who constantly measure themselves against the “thin ideal.” In the words of Delta senior Jennifer Joyce, the focus should be on “health rather than weight or size,” according to the post on the Eagle News web site.

The effects have already been felt across campus. A correspondent for The Talon witnessed a woman standing in front of a mirror, turning from side to side with a frown on her face and pinching her muffin top, muttering under her breath that she needed to be “more healthy.”

Delta Delta Delta have another event on November 10 in the Student Union that they hope will have as much impact as stopping fat talk. They will be holding an all-you-can-eat pancake dinner to benefit the charity St. Jude, thus replacing the concern about bodies with a concern for children and combining it with an opportunity to gorge oneself on carbohydrates.

“It was a difficult move,” the spokesman said in a news conference which took place on Friday. “People get the wrong idea about you when the president declares your very existence a national emergency. This is a move to give him a much-needed respite from the public eye.”

This isn’t the first time the virus has undergone a name change. This flu season was begun with the announcement that the virus would no longer be known as swine flu. Concerns that people weren’t buying enough pork led the government to change the name. The move confused everyone involved and produced puzzled looks, which were met with the clarifying, “you know, swine flu.”

The spokesman also read a statement that had been written by the virus.

“I have been accused of associating with pigs and causing the death of hundreds of people. I have wanted nothing more that to be able to replicate and ensure the continuance of my family. I realize that many people have not been able to get over their own prejudices against potentially lethal non-biological agents.”

The virus also wants this move to stand as a redefinition of its identity.

“I hope that this stands as my attempt to define myself in a way that is free from bias. Thank you to all of you who have supported me in the past, and for those of you who believe that vaccines are a ploy by scientists to give their children autism. I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for you.”

Attempts to reach the virus for further comment have gone unreturned, its secretary stating that it was “with a host…I mean client.”

Beginning next week, ground will be broken and construction will begin of their new homeless community, named St. Lufthild’s after the 9th century patron saint of hoboes and tramps. Consisting largely of a park with wrought-iron benches, the community will be home to over a thousand residents from all walks of life.

The project is the brain child of Brian Williams, Vice President of Short-Lived Developments. Despite criticism, he defends his idea for creating a community for people who, by their very definition, have very little buying power.

“New home sales have been on the decline for several years now. The homes we sold before the decline are being foreclosed on in record numbers. People are losing their jobs and credit ratings are declining. That isn’t exactly the best environment for selling homes to traditional buyers. So we’ve decided to break the mold and venture into new territory.”

The fact that his target market has no money or assets to use as a down payment or collateral doesn’t bother Mr. Williams.

“We have partnered with ACORN in order to be able to secure financing for our buyers,” He explains. “Park benches don’t go for a whole lot, and we have planned a recycling center within the community so that residents can convert the fruits of their dumpster diving into cold hard cash.”

Planned amenities include complementary bus service to prime pan-handling areas, a convenience store with an international selection of malt liquors, and a garden hose shower area on all plots.

Self-described vagabond Jeremiah Porter looks forward to the possibility of owning his own “home.”

“I’ve lived in train cars, refrigerator boxes, and dumpsters. They have never had that ‘this is where I belong’ feeling to them. But when I heard about the new community I knew it was different. Anybody who has slept on the same bench for months only to come back to it one freezing night and find someone else huddling under yesterday’s newspaper understands what I’m talking about.”

Many homeless activist groups have praised the measure as a beneficial move that will allow people dignity and a chance to get off the streets. But many in the neighborhood of the proposed community have different feelings.

“It will clean up the streets downtown,” said Celia Wordsworth, a resident of the upscale gated golf community The Reserve in the area. “But I don’t want them to be cleaned up at our expense. I just don’t understand why these people don’t get a job. Really, they could even work at our course here. The green on the 10^th is in dreadful disrepair.”

Dingo Homes is the seventh largest building contractor in the United States, but is the only one bold enough to partner with an organization that has been documented committing fraud in attempt to sell a home to people with no money or foreseeable income, although Freddy Mac has expressed some interest in financing the innovative program.

FGCU hosted its Fourth Annual Casino Night on October 8, doing its best to expose a section of the populace with little self-control to a potentially addictive situation. Students were given free chips to gamble with, further reinforcing the belief that gambling is just like a competitive game of Old Maid.

“Students love it,” organizer Len Whittington said. “It gives them an opportunity to pretend they have money and gets them into the habit of employing as much of their discretionary income on futile recreation which may lead to financial ruin. It’s really just training them to become good consumers.”

Painstaking detail has been taken to recreate a realistic casino atmosphere. Free food and drinks were available to gamblers who found themselves unable to leave the table for an actual meal. Raffled prizes were given away to create the illusion of getting something for nothing. And, in an ironic twist to the hideously boring entertainment available at actual casinos, the performer—a hypnotist—actually meant to put people to sleep.

Junior Leslie O’Reilly loved the event.

“This was so great,” she said. “I went through all of my chips in an hour, but I discovered that if I showed a little more leg, guys would give me their chips. I just couldn’t get enough of the craps table. I’m going to Immokalee this weekend!”

The event was sponsored by the Board of Eagle Entertainment Programmers and funded by the student government, which apparently has too much money to handle and no redeeming way to spend it.

Kanye West made an appearance at the Westminster Kennel Club’s yearly Dog Show at Madison Square Garden. He watched thousands of dogs parade past the judges and appeared to be interested and well-mannered, at least until the naming of Best in Show.

The show was won by Ch. Clussexx Three D Grinchy Glee (also known as Stump), the offspring of Ch. Three D Genghis Kahn and Ch. Clussexx Sprinkled With Dew. Kanye, apparently displeased with the selection of the ten year old Sussex Spaniel nicknamed for its resemblance to a tree stump, ran to the floor of the Garden and took the microphone from the master of ceremonies.

“Yo, this dog ain’t that great,” Kanye said into the microphone. “I spent a million dollars on my dog. He can do tricks and fly through the air. I bet this dog can’t even fight.”

He had issues with the grouping of the dogs as well.

“This is supposed to be a sporting dog? He looks like a gigantic brown wig with stumpy legs.”

Aghast, the organizers ordered security to escort Mr. West out of the building. Two elderly men in Wackenhut uniforms appeared and did their best to remove him, crediting their strength to Geritol.

Spectators were more surprised that Kanye was in attendance than they were at his behavior.

“We always knew Kanye was a moron,” said Bill Johnson, Long Island resident and lifelong Westminster fan. “I just couldn’t believe he had shown up. Maybe he thought it was a dogfight.”

The Westminster Dog Show was started by a group of wealthy white sport hunters who gathered at the Westminster Hotel in Manhattan in the mid-19^th Century. They would judge each others hunting dogs and then award gifts such as pearl-handled revolvers, which would allow them to kill helpless animals with more prestige and class.